All I Ever Wanted
by Ame no Chikara
Summary: [Slash] The summer they were fourteen Kyle would never forget... it had been the first time he fell in love, the first time he was taken advantage of, and the first time he had something stolen from him... Now, at 17, everything else falls apart...
1. Prelude

All I Ever Wanted

_Prelude Questions_

by Ame no Chikara

My hands fell stationary at my sides as I looked up in a state of complete shock to the boy standing in front of me. "I just thought you should know that..." The lean brunette said, his deep brown eyes shifting down to the ground. "Just don't think I'm creepy or anything for telling you."

"Cartman... I really just don't know what to say..." My voice sounded so weak as it escaped my lips. I shuddered in the 70 degree weather as I pulled my light jacket tighter around me. 'When did it get so cold?' I heard echo through my head. Come to think of it, what the hell were we doing like this anyway? How did we get here? Seventeen years old, summer moon shining down on pavement littered with puddles from long-gone piles of cold white. What could I say to him that would offer any consolation and yet still be the truth? "I, uh....really think... that's nice."

"Really, Kyle? So you think it's cool?" He asked me in a nasally tone as his eyes came to life out of the recesses of the darkest emotions of the night. Wait... had I lied? No... no, I hadn't. He had just taken what I said the wrong way. My heart skipped a beat as the smile on his face brightened. I wish he wouldn't do that... not after what he had in certain ways." I mumbled out, my heart rate beginning to escalate. I shook gently as his smile broadened further and his head nodded gingerly. What the hell was wrong with him? He seemed so content with it all. He didn't seem cold at all. I knew it was wrong... everything. This isn't the way it's supposed to be... Why the hell did he make all the wrong choices?

"Dude, I realize you may think I'm lame for being gay. But, I swear, Kyle, I've always been this way. Just trust me and we'll all have a hella cool time." He's smirking like he always does when he says 'hella'. I can hear it. I want to smack him. Why does it have to be this way Cartman? My fists clenched themselves in tight balls at my side. God dammit, he's such a bastard. I just wonder... why does it all have to be so bittersweet?

"Lame? No... it's okay, Cartman, really." Unsure. My voice is ringing with that tone. Go away, Cartman. I need you to go away so I can cope with this. Please... just leave... don't you understand? Probably not. I shouldn't expect you to see it so blatantly layed out in my eyes. An exasperated sigh hissed it's way through the atmosphere as my head shot up. He's frustrated... What the hell did I do now? Wasn't I just the victim here?

"Kyle...I can tell that you're just saying this shit to make me feel better. Thanks for trying, though. That was pretty cool of you... even though you suck ass at it." Shock. He shocked me. Of course he did... but, then again, how? I should have expected it from him. He doesn't understand it. I thought he might have. What an ass. He doesn't even try.

"...Sorry, dude." I mumbled out. As I turned to leave, my curiosity reached its peak."... I have one question." My voice swelled with near annoyance as it rang an echo through the night. He looked at me as I cleared my throat and took a moment to choose my words carefully. "...Where the hell did that come out of?"

He blinked at me twice, almost signifying that my question was worded all the wrong way. His eyebrows shot up as a hand ran nonchalantly through his hair. "Kyle... I've always liked Stan. Just because you're too involved with your Jewish ceremonies doesn't mean the rest of our lives don't go on without you noticing. "

My heart had been dealt its final blow. There it lay, in a thousand pieces on the ground. My mind screamed that I shouldn't bend to pick it back up because he stood before me watching my every move. My voice fathomed a flat pitch as I nodded my head with a certain clarity. "Oh. Well, I've gotta be getting home, Cartman."

"Kyle..." His voice struck out briefly as I turned. "Are you alright?" I bit my lip gingerly as I continued to walk in the opposite direction. "Kyle?" I heard him ask again as my legs began to hit the ground faster. Pit-pat pit-pat. "Kyle, just answer my question! God Dammit! You pussy! Just tell me! Are you fucking alright?"

"No!" My voice managed to claim before my pace hastened to a run. Where was I going? Why was I crying? The pain in my heart rippled throughout my body with brute force as I heard my feet slow down on the pavement. What was I hoping for? Why the hell would he like me anyway?

Tears greeted the pavement as my breathing became too heavy. I lifted my head up to see myself at the end of a dark street where even the moonlight barely hit. The sound of a steady beat echoed throughout my head as I turned around to see no one behind me. Did I think he would follow me? Why the hell did my life hit rock bottom in the span of one 24 hour period?

I kneaded my hands and looked up to the starless summer night as my back slid down the wall of a store. I took in a deep breath and wiped tears from my eyes. How petty could I be? I had only liked him for 3 years. Before that all he had been was a fat asshole... what had changed? I quivered as I thought about him.

He was so gentle now... and caring. He had that mature essence. 'He's also a lot thinner.' Something tolled in the back of my head. I looked around as my body slid down the buliding behind me. Why did it have to end up like this after such a wonderful night? How could he betray me...?

All I had anymore was these questions... all these empty questions. Of course, that's what Cartman did to me. My feelings for him made it so questions were all that came out anymore. I took in a deep breath of the stale summer air filled with the heavy scent of sweat. I hated summer. I hated that summer that had started it all. Why the hell had he lead me on like that?

'Stan's fault. It had all been Stan's fault.' My mind hissed. Of course. Stan always took what was most important to me away- what had made me think he wouldn't take Cartman away? Even during that summer, when it was all going so well, he broke everything into pieces. Stan has made it so that I'm alone in the world.

Cartman... there isn't any chance left that you will follow me here, is there?

...God... Why have you forsaken me?

A/N: This chapter and the last chapter will take place in present time. The rest will be a major flashback to when all the boys were fourteen. Also, the flashbacks will be in 3rd person. I originally had it taking place when they were 12, but I decided 14 might be a more... er... tolerable age so it doesn't look like a really naughty shouta-con.

Yes. It's not all Kyle/Cartman. Just the main relationship... the underlying current, mind you.

Ame no Chikara


	2. Freedom

Note: This part of the storyline takes place before the prelude. This is the summer that started all the problems. It is written in first person (Kyle's POV). Any dialogue in one paragraph belongs to one character. Anything out of quotation marks are Kyle's thoughts.

**Anyone whom read this chapter before 2/11/2005 read the wrong installment. That chapter was an earlier form of this document. Sorry!**

**All I Ever Wanted**

_Chapter 1 Freedom _

by Ame no Chikara

_When did it get so cold?_

_- _3 years previously_ -_

"Just ring already!" I mumbled to myself, intently. The steady drum of my fingers tapping anxiously on my desk rung through my mind as my eyes ran briefly over the clock. The buzz of voices hummed in the background as my heart speed up with the yielding hand of the clock. A hand grabbed my shoulder and pulled me backwards as a harsh voice tolled through my head.

"Little excited to get out of school, jew-boy?" Cartman smirked at a whisper level into my ear. I shivered slightly as he tightened his grip on my shoulder. God, he's such an ass. He's going to say something about Stan and I... I just know that's what he's going to do. "Who the fuck do you have such a stick up your ass to run into? Your girlfriend Stan, I presume."

"Shut the hell up, Cartman." My voice managed to conjure up the ungodly tone accompanying such thoughtful words. He's not going to make me mad today... he's not going to get to me today...as long as Iget out of here... It's three o'clock... the bell should have rung by now.

"Oh? What was that, Kyle? You like cock better than pussy? Oh, I'm sorry Stan got a sex change..." I snapped back to look at him, just in time to see Cartman smile sadistically and press his thin frameup against his desk.

'It's not real anyway, Cartman... that new body of yours that all the girls love... Your body fat was sucked out of your ass. It was because your mother got so much money from selling drugs and her body.' That's what I'll say. I'll just act cool and say that. All will be fine. All will be-

"... He wouldn't have been able to get it up for you, anyway, Kyle. Your ass isn't tight enough."

"GOD DAMMIT, CARTMAN, LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!" My voice shrieked involuntarily. Oh shit... he made me lose it again. The teacher's eyes burn through me temporarily before shifting back up to the clock lazily. It's almost as if when the last day of school comes, no one cares. "Stan's not gay and neither am I, Cartman." Okay... so maybe _that_ isn't entirely true.

"Oh, then why did he get a sex change?" Cartman's eyebrows shot up proudly, a sharp snort emitted from his throat with pride. Damn pig. The bell echoed through my ears as my vison focussed stayed steady on where he was. He ran his hand through his hair smugly... why am I just sitting here and watching him? He's such an asshole! I could smack him! He always has to go and say the worst things. He's a fucking idiot... but yet... everything he says is always so true...

I watched him turn his way out of the classroom as I mumbled slowly. "Cartman, stop pulling stuff out of your ass." Cascaded with whisper tone through my lips. 'Why be mad' Something chimed within me. 'You're out of school.'

"He's an ass, that's why I can still be mad." I heard myself say aloud in response, exiting the classroom.

"Hi, Kyle" A voice purred behind me. I didn't even have to look. That boy... why was he always around when I needed most to be alone? "What are you planning to do tonight"

"Not much." I said, making my way to my locker. He's following me. Great. Thank you, God. Thank you for allowing annoying asses like Kenny follow me around. Thanks a million, God, really. "I think I'll go to the movies with Stan. You can come if you want." Please say no... please say no... I really don't want you to come, Kenny.

"Oh... no. I can't. I have to babysit your brother, actually. I was kind of hoping you'd be home... Stupid me, though, ya know? You would be sitting him if you were going to be home, huh?" Kenny said, almost looking surprised when he realized I wasn't going to be home. Jesus, Kenny, put two and two together for once. I would watch my own brother if I was going to be home. You're a fuckin' retard. Really. His face lit up as he studied me briefly. What the hell is he thinking? "Would you want to babysit with me"

Uh-huh. Sure. And stay home with THAT brat? I think I'll pass. "No thanks, Kenny. Maybe I'll stick around until my movie at 7."

"Cool, man. Is fat ass going with you guys"

"It was actually his idea. We're meeting at his house, in fact. Why you so interested? Did everyone forget to tell you?" My voice rang out with slight interest, but deep down, I knew I didn't care at all. Hell, it's **just** Kenny.

"Yeah. Of course, I might not have been paying attention." He flashed his teeth at me with a bright white smile before his eyes began studying me slowly. If I didn't know Kenny, I might think he was rich looking at that Colgate smile. But then again, the rest of him screamedin poverty.

"Oh." My voice is flat with unsurpassed boredom. Something in the back of my head screamed out of need to do something spontaneous. The sudden urge washed over my body with such force. I needed to do something that no one would see coming by the end of the summer. I needed life again.

"Kyle..." Oh... he's talking to me. How long have you been talking, Kenny? "I just said that maybe we can hang out Saturday. What do you think?" His eyes are still studying me... so intent... Kenny... right now I could just... wait... what the hell did he just look at my crotch for! That fucking pervert! Like hell we'll spend Saturday together! "Kyle... is something wrong? Are you running a fever?" His hand is now pressed firmly on my forehead crowning my beet-red face. Oh, this looks great.

"What? No..." My voice squeaks out, squirming away from the touch. Slam! My locker door is shut and so is Cartman's. And he's looking at me with one of those evil smirks. What the hell are you thinking now, asshole?

"I see your boyfriend has found you, Kyle." Oh, come on Cartman. How lame can you get? Do you really think that's going to get to me? Did you really think... No, tell me this isn't happening. I see arms. Kenny's arms. Kenny's arms are around me. Don't do this to me in front of Cartman, Kenny... please... You'll ruin me.

I heard Kenny's grin reach it's deepest point. His breath his in my ear like the emotionless sparkle S.E.T.I. got from their radio telescopes pointing off into space. "You jealous Cartman?" Kenny's voice purred simply. God dammit, Kenny!

"Hm." Cartman's eyes danced over the expression on my face as the brief and simple sound of his response rung through my mind. As people passed, they giggled and gawked at the position Kenny had us in... is it really that wrong to see two men together?

"Just looking at him, I'm sure you know that his tight ass brings me to climax every time. Right, Kyle" His voice purred slowly in my ear. Kenny, I hate you. I could sing a song about it. Yes, I hate you so much, I could go multi-platinum with my song of hate for you. People would love me- but not you. Hell, no. People would really hate you. "Play along..." I hear him hiss in my ear through my lack of response, tightening his grip on me.

I nod my head slowly in response as Kenny licked a mark across cheek. Gross! Why am I playing along? His legs snaked around mine as I heard the hiss of his breath in my ears again. Why the hell am I just standing here? I don't like Kenny like he's implying! Hell, I've never even-

"Fucking Jesus..." Cartman's bemused look is classic... if only that didn't have to be what he was reacting to. "Poor shit and homo-jew need to get a room." His eyes ran across me slowly before his voice dropped to below a whisper. "I was always suspicious of you, Kyle..."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean!" My acid tainted tone inquired. Cartman just shrugged as he turned towards (and pushed his way to) the exit. What kind of a response... was that?

"See, that shut him up." Kenny grinned, letting go of me. Rubbing the slobber off the side of my face, I turned to look across the crowded hallway to see Stan. His feminine frame was hugged tight by his clothes with his shoulder length hair resting behind him in a ponytail. My heart fluttered briefly as my eyes met the floor. I have to admit, he would be gorgeous- if he had tits under his shirt.

"Kyle... Kenny..." He said with a brief glare, pulling his cost over his thin body hastily. "We have to start walking now. I have to get home to do my homework."

"Oh... that's nice." Kenny smiled, pushing his way behind us to the door. "So Stan, you, Kyle, and Cartman are going to the movies tonite, eh"

Stan's eyes shifted to me in question as I shrugged at his confusion. 'I'd rather Kenny not come.' Something in his eyes whispered gingerly. "Is..." He bit harshly into his lower lip as he pulled a winter hat over his long black hair. As I look back to Kenny, he seems quite pleased with the look on Stan's face. Sometimes, it makes me wonder what the hell he's thinking when he runs his eyes across me. It almost scares me to think"Are you going, Kenny"

"No. I have to babysit Ike."

"That's right. Kyle's parents are out of town for the weekend, aren't they" His smirk is unbearable as he turns the corner to go to his house. "See ya at 7, Kyle."

Kenny is following right behind me. Great. I can see this summer is going to be very beneficial for my psyche. My friends are assholes and I hate them. Mostly just Cartman. Kenny and Stan are weird. But Cartman is an absolute bastard. God, I hate people.

"Kyle, are you sure you want to go over to Cartman's with Stan? Cartman is an ass to you and Stan is practically sucking your dick already." Kenny's voice purred. Oh come on, Kenny! Jesus, at least Stan doesn't look at my crotch 10 times a day. "You should stay home and keep me company. I'll even take a pay cut."

"Kenny..." My voice is soft. Did that sound longing? God dammit! Why did my voice sound so longing"That's so nice... but I really can't accept." Oh God. I sound like a girl who already has a boyfriend turning down the man she truly loves. That's not how it is coming across... right?

"Kyle, I'm concerned, that's all. What if Eric and Stan try to gang bang you" Please. He can be so lame sometimes. Gang bang me? I'd be more afraid of being fucked against my will staying at my house with you. You're so lame, Kenny.

"Cartman's definitely not gay, Kenny." I breathe out, opening my front door. A cold chill brushed itself across my face from the house. I don't want to go in... I really don't want to go in. "Ike, I'm home"

"What took you so long, loser?" Observe, Ike's voice cutting at my nerves as he sat his ass down in front of the television. I hate my brother. That's why I make arrangements to be somewhere else every night. That little bastard. That ugly little bastard. I'm done. I leave now. Bye Kenny. Have fun.

"Kenny, I think I'll be going over to Cartman's early tonight." I mumbled. He'll hate me for this, I know. Kenny, I mean. Ike will love that I'm gone.

"Kyle... why are you leaving so soon" Kenny's blue eyes drooped down and his hair covered his face, adding to the look of his sudden depression. His hand wrapped around my wrist slowly and my heart rate sped beyond all comprehension. He pulled me closer to him so that I could see my bewildered expression in his eyes. Why the hell are you doing this shit to me, you seductive pervert! "Don't leave, Kyle." God... please tell me... why do I feel this why when I look into his eyes?

"Kenny, I need to go. Now." I broke his grasp on me and ran out the door like an olympian. Did he even hear what I just said? I don't even have money for tonight! I turn back to look at my door and paused for a second. Something was wrong with that boy. Something was wrong that I... found... so... irresistible...

I can't go back to my house. And if I show up at Cartman's early, I'll get an interrogation. Great. I'm fucking screwed. I'm fucking screwed and I don't know where I'm going.

* * *

A/N: Welcome to the end of the exposition! Ah, the boys are now 14. I got a request from Leela's Tears to continue in 1st person. I had an easier time with the flow. Thank you for the suggestion We're looking at probably about 7 or 8 chapters on this one. I hope everyone enjoys - There will be explanations for why each of the characters got the way they did... well, except for maybe Cartman. :P Also, if some of Kyle's thoughts are confusing, that's because they aren't supposed to be clear. I really don't want it to look like he feel in love too quick... because that's not how it happens, all you sillies! 

Thank you for the reviews, spunkster, shoradragon7, and Leela's Tears

Live, Love, Laugh, but always Write

Ame no Chikara


End file.
